sown shut.

Your mind focuses through the shallow water into the depth i hold.
while my eyes try only to focus on the better light within.


your arms comfort my mind as it races.
my kiss comforts the thoughts you hide.


the lips on your mouth speak words i only wish were true.
while your body turns and walks away.



my pain swallowed by fear of never seeing you again
is brought back by the realization that i wont.


i wish i could say that its a bad thing.
but my lips wont open to speak the words.





my hearts sown shut..never to open again.

your thoughts stuck in my head like wax.

your picture burned in my eyes.

your memories swim through my soul.

close my eyes.

relax.

and erase.

until its gone.

my eyes squint open with hesitation to what i'll see.

and with a smile i realize.

my eyes are clear.

my thoughts are my own.

and my soul is clean.

my life is free and never to be taken.

my hearts still sown shut..never to be openend again.

Its in my hands now.

what comes next is completely in the making of my mind.

and for once i enjoy the freedom and power i have.

i'm careful but carefree.

i'm lost but exactly where i want to be.

i'm strong but emotional.

i'm confident & i'm happy.

and time passes..ever so slowly.

Then he comes along.

and one by one he pulls out the stitches keeping me together.

and as they fall out I worry he's opening a past and a pain i've locked away.

all the sudden the stitches are gone.

and i close my eyes.

.......

I wait for the pain to take over and the memories thoughts and pictures to be burned into my eyes and body forever.

till i squint my eyes open with hesitation.

& with enlightenment..i realize that all thats left is a scar.

a scar so tiny so unsignificant that it doesn't matter.

and now i'm open minded with an open heart.

and as your eyes see through my pain and into my depth

your smile grows into mine.

your kiss comforts me completely.

and your arms keep me at ease.

its a new feeling that i vaguely remember...but never actually had.

its real. and for once i feel alive.

your the answer to the wishes i've made my whole life.

and then i realize.

The scar i thought would last forever is fading to the distance as my heart acts whole again.

you've completed me.

-Alex

Craziness

So. I've told about my life long dream of being a designer.
and now is where i go crazy a little bit.

I changed my mind. AH

I have always thought people were crazy for changing their majors...for throwing away what they love. and starting something new.


But i'm doing it. and it excites me.

I was at work one day and this guy was asking me what my plans were for school..and my default "i'm going to design school"..started coming out on its own...it wasnt until half way through me telling him my future...that i realized i wasnt excited about what i was saying.


I'm not sure if its the fact that i've wanted to design for so long, and havent had the money or time to go to school.
or if it was that i just wasnt that interested in doing it anymore.




But after that man left...my mind went crazy.
i was freaking out, and for about one minute i didnt know what i was going to do in my future.
i was panicing.


My eyes watered with thoughts of never going back to school and being a waitress for ever..
and my mind raced with the thought of me going to school and coming out with no degree and no decision.


Then my mind lightened with the thought of animals. i love animals. i love them.
and i thought..what could i do..?


I didnt want to work at the zoo.
or be a bird trainer or something..sick.

an out there thought was that i could be a veteranarian.

and i fell in love with this idea.

School will be so hard.

lots of studying, memorizing, and work.

something i'm not to knowlegable of.

But i've set my mind too it. and now i'm going into veterinary science.
and i'm so excited.


Right now my lifes a little crazy..and with alot of decision making and stress..
i've decided not to start school till next fall.


I HATE THAT.




I want to start school tomorrow or the next day.
but with no money, no car, and an economy thats failing my job.
i'm stuck with the decision to wait it out. wait till i'm back on my feet and stable.. before i jump into something that could quite possible stress my life over the top.

patience is a virtue.

something i'm having to learn very quickly.

I wish that everyday i found a way to push all the worries out of my head and have fun.
but its not happening.


i used to be able to hide every stress i had. every worry i had. and every down thought. and go out and party with my friends.

I cant anymore. i'd rather be home going over everything i need to do. than go out with friends or anyone.

I do have a stress relief but its very limited and a stress activator itself.
( and no its not drugs or alchohal or anything bad )

so i need to find something new.
ideas.

-Alex