Life.

Is it goodbye.
or do my words sink through the dirt to your body.

Can you hear me.

or are the words trembling off my out stretched fingertips lost.

Life. & Death.

I'm happy about the life you've lived.. your inspiring. When i think back on memories, i hear the beauty of your voice..
Your voice is something i've never appreciated more till now. Your tone and what you've said to me, replays in my mind.
its soothing.

You mean so much to me.

your more important than you think you are to me. & i'm sorry for that.

I completely took advantage of time that wasnt there.
even when i found time was running out.
I've never felt so cut off.
The time i was counting on, the time i looked forward too, and even the time i sometimes dreamed of..has been taken away.

All its left is the time spent...which wasnt meaningful enough for a last goodbye.

The last time i saw you, you were recovering in the hospital and you looked great.
Your tender hug made me confident you would be alright.
and with the words of your full recovery..i added time to my procrastination.

you dont deserve that.

I love you with all of me.

My heart. my mind. my body aches with the loss of your loving soul.

Your the beauty that brightens my thoughts.

and you'll continue to brighten them for the rest of my life.

You've only been gone almost an hour. & your completely missed already.

that shows how amazing your life was, and how amazing you are grandma.
I wont go a day without thinking of you, and all you've taught me.

& when were together again..i expect to hear everything i've missed.

I love you.

-your grandaughter Alex

Vegetarian.

for all you who wonder...why doesn't Alex eat meat.
this is for you.

And for all those who dont care or know that i dont eat meat.

you still might find this interesting....

So it started..i was a junior in high school.

i never really liked meat in the first place. Never ate steak or sausage or any of that..but i did eat chicken.

I was in my english class writting a report on how ridiculous i thought vegetarians were and especially vegans...when i stumbled across some disturbing information.

It was about how vegetarians thought, and their input on their eating. Most of them stated unhealthy statistics about meat, and how bad it was for your health. But a couple statements caught my eye on the idea of eating an animal that was alive...taking a life for the benefit of your hunger, or for fun.

I put it out of my mind and continued to eat chicken and other meat like substances...until one day i thought that i might want to try to be a vegetarian..for atleast a month.

So it started out really easy, just substituting meat for vegetables and beans and eggs, and other healthy things...and i kept expecting it to get harder...but it didnt..

At the end of the month i was a little excited to have some meat..

but as my mind began to think of the idea of eating an animal it made me sick.

i couldnt bear even the thought of eating something that used to be alive.

so from then on..i never did eat meat..

i haven't had any for a longg time now.

I dont think people that do eat meat are evil. & i dont get grossed out seeing people eat meat..just to clear things up.

I find it so important to be open about every lifestyle.

try different things, and find the way you want to live your life.

i've found myself trying alot of things.. bad and good. i dont regret anything, because from all i've done, i've found out what i like and what i dont..and what is better for myself and what is better for others.

but most importantly

i've learned how i want to live my own life..

My head.

making decisions?...
i can NEVER decide...i hope you never have to ask me to decide something..
serious.

making decisions is soo mesmorizing. the different things that could happen if you chose one thing and then the complete other side..what happens then?

I WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING.

i mean i cant sayy i'm super difficult..because alot of the time i'll just go with whatever..
but when it comes down to what i want to eat for dinner..or what machine i want to work out on..what color looks best. its a tough task..to say the least.

i love interior design..my passion in life.

Allll the decisions are so intense.
and i love it because when its something like designing. art. or music..my minds so clear.
i know exactly what looks good where..i have no problem deciding which is best for the environment.surrounding.and you.

i might be contradicting myself in this..but thats the story of my life.

i'm confusing.

take a second thought..third..fourth..maybe fifth

before you decide to be part of it.

I deep think..alot.

bad and good.

i have a random stream of thoughts traveling through my head..constantly.

i've tried to stop it..building dams and such.
all destroyed by the consistancy of my damn mind.

^^i'm over it^^

i love when i discover things..or atleast when i think i do.

when i think of something before i know about it..i get pretty excited.

I can swear i was the one who thought of painting nails.

hah well i did discover that one.

anyways..other than making myself look bad out of thiss.
i hope you can relate.
The skill of relating to people is beneficial to the maxx.

i met this woman today..one of the strongest i've ever met.

her husband had cheated on her. her daughter and her own family needed to move in with her. her water pipe just exploded. her car broke down...just to name a few i caught in her mass confession to me.

but after she opened up to me..even though i didnt know what exactly to say..i related.

I tried relating things that were happening in her life to myself..making me stronger as well as making her feel better.

after her spill was over..and after i'd stepped out of my salesman pride.

we related with eachother..and thats when you truely know a person.

beautiful.

obviously i have alot on my mind..things i cant seem to get out of my fingertips onto this keypad. life can be very hard sometimes.
not because bad things are happening. but because either good things arent or you werent completely prepared for what is happening.

I'm working in West Virginia right now.

this could be the time of my life..but i cant get past how good life was elsewhere.
if i can finally look passt my life in provo..rhode island..and even north carolina, i know that i'll love it here and find ways to make this life my own.

but its tough.
you know this.
This is my best friend.

probably one of the coolest people i know.
livin out in p town though..of course.

I need too..we all need to stop comparing our lives. if i think to much about how fun it used to be, or how much fun it still could be..i'll go nowhere in life

^^over it^^

I'm out here making a difference.

if i didnt meet some of the people i've met, their life might have ended up differently.

and thats what keeps me going. I dont look at my job as just selling someone.

thiss is how it is.

if i dont hook this person up with security..in the future they could get robbed, or killed.

so by giving this to them now, i could in a distant way be saving someones life and helping protect them...

and if i hadnt come out here, some of these families i protected could have been hurt.

this makes me wonder what else kind of difference i can make.

we can all make a difference.

every person we come in contact with..we can change their life.course.path.

just by leaving a lasting impression.

these are just a few of my daily thoughts.

i'll stop now, before you hear them all. :)

-Alex